Ghostwriters

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a ghostwriter as a person or persons writing for and in the name of another who is the presumed author.  In a nutshell, someone else is creating and conveying your ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and persona instead of you. Most of you have heard about people ghostwriting for rappers, singers, and authors.  Today I want to talk about how this can sometimes happen in our own personal lives.  Are you the author of your own life, or are you letting someone do the writing for you? In other words, are you trying to fulfill the goals and desires of someone else (i.e., parents, spouse, friends, peers, etc)? If you've been courageous enough to pursue your own goals and desires, are you allowing negative naysayers to kill both your drive and motivation?

I recall the time when I was studying to pass the CPA exam. My plan was to take the first of four exams in August 2008 and take and pass the remaining three by December 2008 so that I could become licensed before I began my public accounting job in January 2009. My reasoning was that it was best to take the exam with all the information I learned in college still fresh in my mind and get it done before I started my job so that my career could be my focus. Sounds like a great idea, right? I thought so too.  Full of inspiration, drive, and motivation, I began to tell all of my friends, family  and classmates about my wonderful plan.  To my surprise, instead of only supportive words, I was given a myriad of reasons why I should give up the goal and choose one that was less ambitious.  Some of my soon-to-be colleagues told me stories about how they had been attempting to pass the exams for years and either gave up or were still in the throes of fruitless pursuit.  Others spoke about the low pass rate for the exam - historically between 46 - 52%.  I didn't let any of the negative commentary affect me...until I failed the first exam.  I started to panic and second guess myself.  Suddenly the low pass rate statistics and advice I was given to choose a less ambitious goal came to the forefront of my mind.  I began to believe that my goal was unattainable. I debated giving up, comforted by the fact that no one would think less of me since they deemed the exam impossible to pass. 

I expressed my sentiments to my father.  I told him I wasn't wasting another dime on the exam, that the exam was too hard, that no one passes anyway, and that instead I might take up basketweaving as my profession.  He told me to keep on trying.  He said that the pass rate statistics were irrelevant and that every year people pass the exam and for that reason I could be amongst those who were successful.  He went on to say that the accounting profession wouldn't create an exam that absolutely no one could pass; therefore, passing was indeed a possibility.  He also pointed out that he barely saw me studying and that I seemed to be outside more than I was ever around any CPA exam preparation book.  He was absolutely right.  After failing the first exam, I stopped believing in myself and started to exert less effort towards studying.  Of course, this only resulted in me failing more exams during the months to come.

I won’t belabor you with all the details of my journey to become a licensed CPA, but I will say that I passed all four parts of the exam within a year.

I realized that while I couldn’t change the exam itself, I could certainly change how I mentally approached the exam.  I decided to take control of my internal environment (my thoughts and my actions) as opposed to waiting for my external environment to change.  If I waited for the exam to become easier or for everyone I met to tell me that I was capable of passing (all external factors) then I would be waiting forever.  I needed to become motivated from within and make things happen for me instead of passively letting things happen to me.  It is no surprise that I finally passed all four parts of the exam once I decided within myself that I could and would pass.  Some of my colleagues that discouraged me are still trying to pass the exam years later.  My story is not their story. To reiterate what I said a few blog posts ago, neither historical statistics nor the failures/opinions of others have anything to do with your own potential.  I recently came across a quote that stated, “Depending on people for your manifestation leaves your future at the mercy of others whose primary objective is to come into their own glory not yours.”  Take back the pen and reclaim your title as the author of your life.  

Don't Worry, I'll Wait

Someone recently provoked a thought that had never occurred to me before when they asked, "What if you weren't waiting on God and instead God was waiting on you?" Essentially, she meant what if you are your own adversary and stunting your own potential growth? She equated such a situation to an infant crying for a bottle of milk.  The infant cries and cries, eyes closed, and red-faced because of his (we'll go with a male infant for the example) unmet need. Unbeknownst to the infant, his mother has been trying to put the bottle in his mouth the whole time but because his eyes were closed and he became anxious, he wasn't aware that help had already arrived a while ago.  What blessings might you not be noticing?

Oftentimes, blessings come in forms other than what we imagine they should.  I believe that's why people say that God works in mysterious ways. If everything He did was obvious there would be no mystery to His works.  When we make a request known to God, we should await the answer with an open heart, an open mind, and open eyes.  At the same time, we should begin to make room in our lives for the blessing that we asked for.  If you ask God for better grades, perhaps you can make room by avoiding Single Ladies Night at the club the day before your Anatomy final. I'll give you a personal example of not realizing an answered prayer to illustrate my point.

At the age of 8, I realized that singing and songwriting were my passions.  I would sing in my room quietly and write songs in secret, sometimes shyly sharing the songs to one or two of my closest friends.  I prayed to God for increased confidence to sing to someone other than my carpet, have my voice heard by many and have my songs sung by artists in the industry.  For years I prayed and prayed, frustrated that my room's walls didn't communicate with Diddy and inform him of my musical ability so that he would sign me at once to Bad Boy.  Of course that frustration was a stretch but you get the idea - I was waiting for an external force to actualize my dreams instead of forcing my internal self to put my dreams in motion.  I didn't realize that God already answered my prayers, but my eyes weren't open to realize that help had arrived.

How, you ask? During my freshman year of high school, my church decided to put together a youth gospel choir. This is my chance, I thought.  All I have to do is go to practices, sing, and become Whitney Houston. Piece of cake. I laugh now at the memory. At the first practice, the choir director asked me to sing so that he could figure out if I was an alto or soprano and also to determine my vocal range.  When I tell you my body froze in fear and my mouth would not open, I mean it. Eventually, I sang but it was as a quiet a mouse (an analogy I've never understood because you can hear those creepy things kilometers away). For the duration of my time in that choir I shied away from singing solos and I sang so low with the choir that I literally couldn't hear my own voice.  When I would go home after practice, I would sing loud, sing confidently, and sing beautifully.  I would get so angry with God and ask Him why my singing confidence only appeared behind closed doors and ask him whether or not He heard my prayers clearly.

It's funny how we can demand so much of God and so little of ourselves.  It dawned on me that God answered my prayers by giving me opportunities to sing.  The problem was that I wasn't taking the opportunities.  My father once told me that when you ask God for help to overcome an obstacle, He presents you with more instances of that obstacle.  Basically, you can only truly overcome the obstacle by facing it and dealing with it. Singing confidence would only be obtained by me doing just that - singing at every opportunity I got.  I know, I know. You're saying elementary, my dear Watson (hopefully someone has picked up a book and read Sherlock Holmes).  Though it's common sense to me now, it wasn't common sense to me then.

Once I realized that the problem was my own personal fears and immobility and not a lack of opportunities, things began to change.  Fast forward to 2011, I wrote a song and recorded it on my laptop about 2 weeks ago.  Intuition told me to send it to one of my mentors, but I wasn't sure why.  He responded saying that he loved the song and that it came at a perfect time because he recently met an r&b artist that was in need of material to sing.  He forwarded the song to her and she liked it. Two days later, my mentor reached out to me and asked if I would like to sing backup for the artist. I gave him an emphatic and resounding yes!  Indeed, God was waiting on me all along :-)

Is Anybody Listening?

I've often wondered what spurred people to empty the contents of their entire lives onto social media. Today a thought occured to me: maybe people do it because they know that's the only way someone will really listen to what they have to say.  Think about it. If you walk up to someone and start talking they can be zoning you out or reciting the alphabet quietly to themselves while you speak unbeknownst to you.  However, if you write a blog, someone has to go to your site and personally choose to read what you have written. That means that they care what you have to say, and even more so if they decide to respond.  There is nothing like communicating with someone and having them actually give a crap about how you feel, what you're going through, and what you're up to.

Have you ever seen a Facebook scenario similar to this:
Alice writes, "Fml. What a dreary day."
Jennifer writes, "Oh no, Alice! What happened?"
Karen writes, "Who's messing with you, girl? Don't make me have to come down there."
Then underneath Karen's comment you see 30 more comments all trying to figure out what's going on with Alice.

In regular life, how often do we walk past our coworkers or family members and ask how are you doing as a formality, only to walk away before the answer is even given?  Somehow in the virtual world people begin to show compassion and become concerned with other people's lives.  I've learned more about people I thought I knew via Facebook than real interactions with them.  Why is that?

Though I don't plan to divulge my social security number, menstrual cycle and other intimate details on the Internet, I can say that having this blog is having a therapeutic effect on me.  I can get my thoughts out without having to say them aloud. I can release frustrations, joys, and whatever else I feel.  Lastly, I know that if you're here you truly came to listen.  That is priceless.

In The Words of TLC: What About Your Friends?

Recently a friend of mine was contemplating terminating a relationship with a longtime friend but wasn't sure what to do.  I asked my friend, "If you met her today, would you be her friend?"  My friend didn't understand the question so I explained a little further.  Basically, what I was asking is being the person you are today and knowing in advance the person she is today, would you still choose to befriend her, or are you holding on to the person she used to be and the person you used to be? Besides compatibility and shared values, I believe that a key component of a good relationship is the ability to grow and change with each other for the better.  That goes for platonic relationships, intimate relationships, family relationships, professional relationships - you get the idea.

Ever since I graduated from college, I've been unsatisfied with a lot of my relationships with people and I couldn't figure out why. Later on that evening I thought about how the question related to my own life. I tend to give my friends good advice and not have the courage enough to use it myself.  So I took a personal inventory of my current relationships and for each individual I asked myself what I asked my friend earlier that day.  I realized that I haven't been happy because some of the people that I have allowed to linger in my life are not compatible with who I am today.  I have changed greatly as a person over the past 5 years, and I can no longer find commonalities with them outside of attending the same school, knowing the same people, or liking the same foods.  A relationship should provide some type of benefit to all the parties involved, and for awhile now I've been feeling all strain and no gain.

Luckily, there are a few who I can say have grown and changed alongside me and I would jump at the chance to be their friend a million times over.  In those relationships, our friendship is not solely continuing because of how long we've known each other, but rather enhanced by how long we've known each other and can still relate in the present. Our conversations can extend past elevator topics like the weather, what we ate for lunch, or what we did at work that day. This exercise was really helpful for me in taking stock of the company that I keep and how to prioritize with whom I spend my time.  Time for some spring cleaning.

My older brother always tells me to surround myself with people that I would want to be like.  A quote that I recently read worded my brother's sentiments even better by saying, "If I associate with chickens, I will learn to scratch at the ground and squabble over crumbs.  If I associate with eagles, I will learn to soar at great heights."  All systems go. I'm ready to fly.

When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong...

If I am truly honest with myself, I can admit that I have played the victim for many years.  To make matters worse, I wasn’t even aware that I had auditioned for and gotten the part.  I would call it by another name – being realistic.   Whether it was in regard to pursuing singing, getting a job, entering a fulfilling relationship, or saving up an emergency fund, I always had a reason as to why it couldn’t happen for me. The problem with rational reasoning is that one can find a reason in support of or against just about any topic in the world – and guess what? They would all have valid points.

In order to achieve your dreams, I believe that you have to look beyond what is immediately realistic.   In a motivational YouTube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaRqr7oQ2bo) about how to lead an extraordinary life, Will Smith states, “Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity.”  If you focus on what others have not been able to achieve or how many times that you have failed at something, you essentially limit your own future potential to the limitations of others and past failures.  In order to obtain new results, you must forge new realities and use your imagination.  History tells us that people used to believe that the world was flat.  The belief was that if you sailed far enough you would just drop off of the face of the earth.  Can you imagine what the world would be like if no one dared to think outside of that belief? Europeans would possibly not have discovered the Americas. Can you imagine if people only left flying to birds and other winged creatures?  No spring breaks in Cancun. Everything that is now possible and taken for granted was once thought impossible at some point in time: the Internet, ATM machines, a Black man as a U.S. president, automobiles, sustainable fire, etc.

Life was very different for me during my role as the victim.  I didn’t believe that I could effect any amount of change in my life, and therefore I did not.  I let life happen to me and others make my decisions for me.  The moment that I decided that I both could and would take the reins of my own life, mountains began to move.  If someone asked me years ago if I thought that I would have a bachelor’s degree, master’s degree, and a CPA license before I turned age 25, I would’ve told them they were a ridiculous person.  I’m glad that I pushed myself past immediate reality. Shoot for the stars, and if you land on the moon, you’ve still left the earth. 

Peace and God bless.

Life In Your 20s

People always say that your 20s are the best years of your life.  Allegedly, it is the period of your life where the world is your oyster and real responsibility can still be put off for a few years.  It is the time when many graduate from college, begin their careers, travel the world, marry, leech off of their parents, or whatever else their hearts desire.  While I don’t disagree that one’s 20s are an exciting time, I do believe that not much light is shed on the confusion of being in your 20s.

One thing that I didn’t expect to feel after graduating from college was a sense of no direction.  In high school, my direction was clear – get good grades, perform exceptionally well on the SATs, and get a scholarship for college.  Summer internships became my focus in college, as I majored in accounting and I knew that it was the way to get a full-time job offer at the top accounting firms.  Once I secured a job offer, my next goal was to obtain a master’s degree as well as my CPA license.  The problem arose after all the above goals were accomplished.  I didn’t know what to do next.   I had accomplished a young accountant’s dream, but I didn’t feel fulfilled. I realized that I had only set those goals because they were the goals that were spoon-fed to the students in Business School.  You see, my actual passions have always been writing and music.  Both passions were deemed utterly ridiculous by my parents and I was instructed to pick a “useful” major with which I could obtain a “real job” after college.  Accounting ended up being the major I chose.  I figured if I was going to be an accounting major I should go all the way with it.  Thus, I adopted the goals that my professors said a student that wished to be a successful accountant should have.  I believed that with time I would be able to make myself love accounting, but that was not the case.

 I hated going to work every morning, but I didn’t know what do alternatively. I felt lost.  While my job didn’t arouse a sense of excitement within me, it did arouse the paying of my bills.  I didn’t want to be stupid and quit my job to sing for dollars on street corners while simultaneously moving my vehicle every few hours to avoid the repo man just because I loved music.  I was stumped about how to incorporate what I love to do into my daily life.  There was no Accountants Who Actually Want to Write and Sing for a Living 101 course that I could take to find the answer.  Ultimately, I left the public accounting firm and transferred to a less hectic nonprofit accounting job.  I made the decision because I didn’t want my education to go to waste and I also wanted to leave work while the sun was still in the sky.  While I love the place where I work, I can’t help but periodically question whether I left public accounting too soon and if I should be more ambitious. 

Another aspect of my 20s that I wasn’t prepared for was outgrowing/losing the friendships of my youth, but more on that later…